this is what I love

I WILL pick up the guitar after the A's, continue piano lessons (even though I might have to go back to grade 8 after 3-4 years of not properly touching it. Of course I still play, but I bet alot of my techniques are gone. Czerny lying on the shelves..), and the flute will have to wait (since I won't have the cash to buy a decent one so soon. hope the fife should suffice for working on my embouchure :/)

continue with art, make reading a habit (esp. psychology, philo. Poetry and novels to brush up on my writing skills, plus newspapers and current affairs to be a less ignorant youth).

All these above other forms of relaxation, to spend time meaningfully. Think I'll stop myself from spending on shopping or materialistic items too. Anyway, my love for such things seem to have diminished lately and I certainly hope these interests will fuel my life instead of meaningless spending.

Maybe I'll paint pictures of all the instruments, perfect combination of what I like ain't it? Learn some video editing skills, write some stuff, string art, words and music together and I'll be happiest girl ever. If I have enough determination to do that. Sounds pretty impossible but the last thing I should do is to first doubt myself.

After the A's. AFTER.

(hopefully be able to draw something like that but with paint)

It never once occurred to me that it was because i cared too much about others, not because I didn't care

All of a sudden a tiny portion of my guilt has been washed away, the rest remaining uncovered, left for me to slowly work on removing them. I don't feel there's a need to blog today because alot of my doubts have been cleared and I simply do not have time.

Thank you my dear friend, and for reminding me everybody is different and are meant to co-exist. Like how I shouldn't be guilty for telling others my problems because some don't have a need to do that and are willing to listen. I'm beginning to see the difference between looking on the positive side and being blindly optimistic (which I hate). (Maybe this sentence might not make sense to me in the future)

And thankyou for letting me know I'm not that bad a person, it really made a great difference. Guilt won't do me any good.


The past two days have been wonderful for my soul. I'll end with a song I listen to calm me down sometimes (there are just too many great songs capable of doing so). But this one's really great.

I was really tempted to get an Oasis collection, a Chicago one at gramophone yesterday but too bad my wallet's out of cash after cab rides for 5 consecutive days. And Norah Jones' 'Come away with me".


Oasis - Stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up) come on (come on)
Why you scared? (I'm not scared...)
You'll never change what's been and gone

Cried myself to sleep the day itself and I just don't understand why she thinks people need to have the RIGHT to cry. Why must we be so afraid of letting others see us cry? Why should most think it is embarrassing, or why should it be a sign of weakness?

Is there anything wrong with expressing our inner most emotions? Why should it be seen as an act of self pity and vulnerability, and why should we stripped of our "rights" to cry if we hold no power to make a change later on? The very reason why I cry is because I feel too powerless and immobilized to make a change, is there anything wrong with being weak? It is only after you truly realize your fear and hit rock bottom that you're able to rise and I dare say I'm much better after that extremely depressing period. I was immobilized then but came out stronger, what was wrong in me crying then? Why should emotions be faulted?

There's a life much better out there.

This post came alittle late but hell yeah, coursework is over! Unlike what I said in my previous post, I actually quite like the meaning behind my work, perhaps not so much of the aesthetic qualities. The feeling's a blurry one, maybe it'll only come to me later because it still feels quite surreal. Bittersweet? I don't know, I'll miss it for sure.

Cried myself to sleep the day itself and I just don't understand why she thinks people need to have the RIGHT to cry. Why must we be so afraid of letting others see us cry? Why should most think it is embarrassing?

Is there anything wrong with expressing our inner most emotions? Why should it be seen as an act of self pity and vulnerability, and why should we stripped of our "rights" to cry if we hold no power to make a change later on? The very reason why I cry is because I feel too powerless and immobilized to make a change, is there anything wrong with being weak? It is only after you truly realize your fear and hit rock bottom that you're able to rise and I dare say I'm much better after that extremely depressing period. I was immobilized then but came out stronger, what was wrong in me crying then? Why should emotions be faulted?

That aside, dinner treat from missK was still great because we talked to her as though she was a long-lost friend. Happy. Told her everything about her that we never dared to mention to her.



School of thought in the afternoon, lecture was the best one I've had. Think I'll look though the notes I've written before I go off to bed, nothing like the usual science and tech, environment, poverty topics, but ones about life and the really pressing issues. We need to have a voice. Perhaps I'll type another day. I noticed nobody went to the toilet at all during the 2.5 hours.

It's already the 2nd last lecture and I think I'll miss those dinner and occasional movie sessions after class with the dudes since we probably wouldn't be seeing each other after that. Somehow. Syl and I got (extremely worth it) jazz albums to exchange, Manhattan Fish Market as usual, and a walk back with Yj to the school opposite accompanied with Jazz and Olivia Ong (yay). Sometimes I really wonder how they, people between friends and acquaintances, view me? Also, I wouldn't mind going back to sot for lessons next year :(

Had a productive session in school with sarah's presence too! One last thing, I don't regret not studying as much in the past because I understood things I never did during that period. Things to help me find a direction in life, and knowing the fact that I place my emotions above everything else. Maybe I'm too tired to explain right now,

so it's good night.

17 hours to submission.

I'm worried. Where do I stand? There are still a few more sketches needed for my prep boards, the words written at 1 am just now made no bloody sense (and there no way I can't change it. DAMN. DAMN. What if they don't bring my ideas across clearly?), some sketches aren't pasted properly.. some minor problems with the set up itself.

& frankly speaking, I'm not that happy with my work. There's so much more I could have done if I hadn't procrastinated. I'll keep the rest for later and channel the energy to the remaining sketches I have to do. Better not sleep AGAIN.

and yes, I'm grateful to missk for staying with us today, ain't easy being an A'levels art teacher :X

I started telling her (as an anon) about a hundredth of my past problems and discovered I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop, and wish I could tell her everything. I wish I could tell someone everything without having to worry about them getting annoyed at me. I discovered what I'm doing is really simply numbing myself and forcing myself to not face up to those emotions. I don't think I'll truly be happy without knowing somebody will be there no matter what, perhaps I "enjoyed" it to save myself from the hurt of having nobody.

You won't ever get me, and will probably call me an ungrateful brat. All these insecurities and feelings are real. I want to numb myself to do well for the A's but I'm not prepared to lose a part of me.

"my husband discovers poetry" by Diana Lockward

Because my husband would not read my poems,
I wrote one about how I did not love him.
In lines of strict iambic pentameter,
I detailed his coldness, his lack of humor.
It felt good to do this.

Stanza by stanza, I grew bolder and bolder.
Towards the end, struck by inspiration,
I wrote about my old boyfriend,
a boy I had not loved enough to marry
but who could make me laugh and laugh.
I wrote about a night years after we parted
when my husband's coldness drove me from the house
and back to my old boyfriend.
I even included the name of a seedy motel
well-known for hosting quickies.
I have a talent for verisimilitude.

In sensuous images, I described
how my boyfriend and I stripped off our clothes,
got into bed, and kissed and kissed,
then spent half the night telling jokes,
many of them about my husband.
I left the ending deliberately ambiguous,
then hid the poem away
in an old trunk in the basement.

You know how this story ends,
how my husband one day loses something,
goes into the basement,
and rummages through the old trunk,
and he uncovers the hidden poem
and sits down to read it.

But do you hear the strange sounds
that floated up the stairs that day,
the sounds of an animal, its paw caught
in one of those traps with teeth of steel?
Do you see the wounded creature
at the bottom of the stairs,
his shoulders hunched over and shaking,
fist in his mouth and choking back sobs?
It was my husband paying tribute to my art.


And there was this quote which I really loved:

"At each moment you can either kill yourself, try
harder to detach yourself from people and reality, or be thinking of and
doing what you can for the people you like. Those are your only 3
choices at any moment."

- Haley Joel Osment, Richard Yates

------------------------------------

I read this from (a stranger's blog), hope it doesn't seem like I'm ripping these off her site. I'll pretend it's like tumblr-ing.

After the A's, I shall read alot and try to appreciate poetry. Not forgetting piano, illustration and a new guitar I'm going to pick up.

Blank Canvases - American Express ad

Pretty cool ad here :)

Death isn't dark

Am I supposed to be troubled over the fact that I'm cold and heartless? At least when it comes to the topic of death. Just that.

There are images of myself stabbing people repeatedly just for the joy of the impact, without an issue about death.

I failed to be like the rest who go "that's so cruel, imagine the family's pain!" whenever I see gory images from massacres. Secretly, I want to know how mass killing would feel. Think they usually get numb after the first few, and the rest will seem like a game.

My mind's always tempted to throw heavy things at people just to see how badly they'll bleed, always THAT close to doing it.

There was only once where I "took the pain" and felt all jelly imagining the immense pain on myself. That moment left me genuinely shocked for I haven't been able to feel for others at all. Which is to say I've become increasingly incapable of feeling for others.

I can't see myself mourning over the death of others, exclusive of my nuclear family. Even that seems pretty surreal, it's only because I know I'll cry for sure. It's like having nobody at home... right?

----------------------------

Yesterday, I took the bus with a friend I met on the way to the bus stop who was supposed to attend his grandmother's funeral (at 10) and amongst all other topics that were discussed, one was about death. I told him I can't imagine myself attending a funeral or mourning over anybody (I didn't tell him it was 'cause I can't feel, it'd be freaky for someone not so close to me).

I asked if he felt sad. The answer was "shocked, yes". Because his grandma was "dead" after being paralysed ages ago and he was prepared for it and shouldn't be feeling sad. He said shouldn't.

He told me about the death of two schoolmates he used to hate, and how he still felt genuinely sad for them. Honestly, I can't imagine. He told me he'd be sad if any of his friends were to die. I can't imagine. I'd probably not feel, like how I didn't feel anything when my hamsters died. I'm capable of not loving anything or anyone like that.

What's the value of life? I don't know. Even when I thought of dying a few months ago, the thought of others mourning over my death didn't cross my mind. It was purely about wanting to escape.

------------------------------

I've actually felt this way since a long time ago.

devoid of emotion

Studies isn't the reason I'm not writing here, I could have squeezed out some time for this precious blog if I wanted to, but I didn't. Because I don't have much to say lately. There were brief moments of sadness and jealousy enough to make me cry, but not enough emotions to have that strong need to pen everything down. Moments where I thought about and understood things but never wrote them anywhere because they're so trivial.

I don't know which matters more, a slightly more focused mind (finally) or my emotions. Think I'd gladly embrace the latter so I can have my words back but that's impossible when my heart is numb and I don't love anybody that much right? It's the only reason why I'm less insecure and worried about relationships (all kinds) working out in the future. Simply do not love as much.

-------------------------

There was a particular post I wrote that ended up in the drafts. After awhile I just gave up on the idea of writing things about me feeling as independent as ever. Yup, I've been feeling far too fine on my own lately to let myself be bothered about being alone. "Bothered" isn't even in the dictionary. (you have to at least feel to be bothered). It's more of the complete absence of such feelings.

It's an inevitable thing to think about the future and for once, I could see myself enjoying life as a single lady (with nobody to put a ring on it). *been listening to beyonce* But honestly, yes. No need to compromise, no arguments (how tiring), no hurt, just independent and self-sufficient me. You see why I didn't publish that post? I can already see some eyes rolling away.

------------------------------------

I'm now unable to delve into the depths of my soul, in search for the right words to describe those intense emotions, those abstract things only the ones who've been in the same boat can understand. Rather, there isn't even a need to try. And it annoys me slightly that I'm like that.

Well, not loving makes me a much happier person. Definitely.

Until I master the art of resisting the temptation of pressing the "save now" button, things shall wait till there's more time. Art coursework deadline is in 8 days. Official deadline in 8 days. Stressed.

I'd repeat the first sentence a million times if I could, I wish I was like that since the start of this year. Wonderful feeling this is.

Don't miss missing them

Contrary to the belief of many of my age, I'm going to say things like love and attraction brings more hurt than happiness. Perhaps not so contrary. But the difference lies in the fact that I actually despise that feeling and will try to stay away from them as much as possible. I'm living so much better without pesky, distracting feelings.


For me, there are only two options; drawing myself into my own world OR drawing one other person I can share my world with and experience theirs at the same time. Anything involving more than one person makes me rather anti-social

Precisely because of this, I always end up giving less priority to my friends when I THINK I've found someone/

Independent

Been feeling rather independent lately. I have no idea if one can feel independent without actually being independent, but either way I think I am. It's like the best feeling ever, having no insecurities and not minding being alone. (In the past my depressed mind wanted alone time to think, but now it's just fine with the state of having nobody else around)

I'm enjoying the total freedom of not being bounded to a person/people emotionally (especially one-sided ones, and not necessarily actual ties. Just a feeling), the freedom of not thinking about anybody over others. Living alone in the future does sound quite fine, no compromises, no arguments.

Without constant worries about who genuinely wants to speak to me or who will be the ones that will be with me till the end, I can safely say I'm okay

4:30 am in the morning, and I CANNOT FIND A FEW SKETCHES.

My blank book has replaced this blog in certain aspects.

Light photo post for a brain-saturated day.

It's 9/11. Bet nobody remembered, huh? Neither did I. Not saying anything about that, I'll refrain from saying anything much today since it's supposed to be a LIGHT post. LIGHT.

No wordy posts for a change. I just scrolled through the archives and my blog looks alittle too depressing, so here goes!

(I actually prefer those posts, so I'll be back to them soon. Not like I have too many photos of my private life to share anyway.)

Oh yes, I met my maths goddess today (I'm proud to call her my friend) so I sacked my tuition teacher which I had for a day.

-------

My favourite place in school, bird's eye view


First day at udder's siglap with Shanhui
(the lighting looked the best in this shot, there weren't many)


Thai Express with squish and nic the abos.

DO NOT BE FOOLED, THIS THAI TOMYAM IS SPICY. I almost burnt a hole in my tummy cause I drank ALLL the soup (guess which one's mine) Great april fool's trick for those who can't take spicy food, no? ;D


Udders again with them, this time at United square.
I LOVE THIS COW TITS WATER DISPENSER.


ooh look who added a new flavour (and votes) to the voting board? HAHAHA. The voting board's this big piece of chalkboard for customers to cast votes for their favourite future flavours.

my oils and palettes taken a long time ago, my palette collection is much bigger now (almost done with the 6 paintings!!!)


art room vcw. LOOK AT HOW CLEAN THE TABLES ARE.


kaiying's mini birthday celebration @ manpuku!


The person who did this must have shaved herself bald and needed to practice her braiding skills on this poor tree.




transferring lemon tea into a bottle using straws (Y)


rarrr


was fascinated by the similarity in colour


Sarah had her painting exhibited at SAM for SYF :D


taken a long time ago too, i brought 3 snails into the art room.




tell me i'm awesomely strong. that's a dismantled roll of film.


I'm fully aware this might chase away my suitors. Yeah big joke. But I promise I won't be like that in the future don't worry!!


HAHA THAT WAS ME!!


okay good night it's subway with anna again tomorrow! :D

Cartel + Udders with ShanHui yesterday,
ThaiExpress + Udders with Nic & Squish today.

I'm turning into an Udders fan, I like cow tits.
Great talk yesterday and crazy people today, me likey!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Singapore 2006 Happy planet index: 131/178
Singapore 2009 Happy planet index: 49/143

(How are we increasingly happy? Doesn't seem to be the case in my opinion. Shall read more on how they calculate it and the criticisms.)

I hate how we have to "buy" happiness in this society. We can't simply do things we like, it's impossible to live this way in this day and age. There isn't point in ranting, the only options are to:

1) Live like everybody else in singapore, be a working machine and die of stress and disease and lack of sleep.

2) Lead a fulfilling life revolving interests but definitely not a smooth-sailing one. Many sacrifices in terms of basic needs and enjoyment/certain entertainment. Still, true happiness above all?

3) Live overseas and miss everybody else in this place we call home.

4) You tell me?


Adults who do not work hard enough are deemed irresponsible. Those who sacrifice alone time/family time for work are respected. It all boils down to our choice, a sacrifice must be made either way. But what choices do we have in a society which condemns personal enjoyment? It's really not THAT easy to not be like the rest.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really because we don't have a "direction in life", or is it that we're not presented other routes? Or are we made to think other possible routs are not good or feasible?

Is it THAT bad to be a jack of all trades but a master of none?

----------------------------------------

Can't believe our teacher told us we won't die if we don't sleep and study throughout the night. WE WILL. & I'll never want to sacrifice my health and happiness for work in the future. The adults always say "you work hard now and you'll be able to enjoy life in the future"

Enjoy what? Loads of money, poor health, material wealth, less time with family (if applicable)?

I don't know what kind of life I'll lead in the future, but I definitely won't want to live like a robot, a workaholic who works from day till night, sacrificing life, interests and my mind for money. Maybe not even for extravagance, just to live comfortably because competition is far too strong.

--------------------------

I thought about how I want to work just to support my interests, it's going to be impossible to work part time and have enough cash to do what I like in this economically driven country, this region.

Sometimes I think about it and feel so stuck, because there is no way we can enjoy life in this modern society. There's no way to do what we like because EVERYTHING comes with a price tag, an opportunity cost. You either do what you like or die of hunger, to put it in exaggeration. We can't just paint or play music without worrying about having enough cash to survive, even a simple life.

It is indeed too naive and foolish to think I can enjoy life doing what I want, taking time to develop and discover my true interests without a proper degree. On the other hand, I REFUSE to live life like everybody else, lifeless souls and all. I refuse to sacrifice LIFE for all these, in a place where happiness must be bought over.

Don't even get me started on the definition of "education" here. This is sidetracking but we're forced to think in the same way. They just KILLED alot of people who don't fit into this "mold" that has been created for us. JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T FIT INTO THE MOLD DOESN'T MEAN WE FAIL IN LIFE.

-----------------------------------------------

Reality is harsh and it's impossible to enjoy life like that. This is SINGAPORE. We can't afford to be like the other countries. Or rather, we can never be like them. My brain's too tired to explain why, there's too much to type and I don't have time. (Goddamn I don't even have time to write meaningful things)

I suppose the only option is to live overseas. Not an Asian country. I don't think we'll live to see things change over here. Have we all been brainwashed into thinking how working our asses off for a 'comfortable life' is the way to go?

Is it a result of our asian ancestors going through too much suffering in the past and them trying their best to fight for the top? Have we, the later generation, been living too comfortably and are really too naive?

Which is the right mindset? I think "right" depends on our priority in life. Now that we have the power to choose, it's really all up to the individual. But wait, do we REALLY have the power to choose?

-----------------------

I'm tired of this life. Far too tired.

So we're lazy for not working our asses off. But think about it again, what is our purpose of living? What has "life" become?

Is it even wrong to enjoy life? Sadly impossible in this age.

From now, I'm going to study for the sake of learning, not the Goddamn grades. Not to care if I can enter universtiy or have a profession in something (say, art). I've written down all that needs to be written somewhere else and I'd love to put them here, I'd love to, but there isn't time now. Soon, soon.

"you have no right to rant or complain, I have it far worse"

Every time I feel depressed about something, I'm afraid people would say that. I think they do, secretly. Sometimes, I feel the same way when people rant because my situation feels far worse. I've slowly learnt not to, and still in the process of learning, of course.
--

Why do we feel terrible, or suffocated whenever someone else rants about something we've experienced and we feel we have it worse? Because we never had the chance to rant it out like they did, and feel it's unfair?

Why do we feel that way? People can feel whatever they want to feel, and we never know what's going on in their minds. Their situation might seem fine but it might not be. What do we know?
---

I always feel guilty for ranting to people without considering their emotions. My ranting experiences aren't good because the questions "am I talking too much about myself? Should I ask about her too?" keep floating around my head.

Perhaps that is why I prefer typing here, to an audience who can read selectively. Sadly, I won't know if anybody reads. Which doesn't EXACTLY serve the purpose of ranting, but nonetheless, good enough.

It's true I still have constant considerations about writing too much about myself, that's when a diary comes into good use, I guess?
------

I like listening to others as it helps me clear things up for myself and of course, it's a good feeling. I do not believe in altruism, selflessness or whatever there is, it's just a nice feeling in general when it comes to listening. (not so much of feeling good just because you've helped someone)

Having said the point about altruism, I honestly think I'm not a good person to love at all. Why then, do I still feel depressed when I know I'm the root of all my problems?

I have my qualms about being a mom in the future because it'd hurt to have a daughter like me. I understand her love for me but always fail to show my appreciation, always lost in a moment of fury. I always want to apologize but seldom do. I don't even make an effort in letting her understand me.

It's the same for my friends. Mostly the part of failing to show my appreciation and concern. & all the letters I write to them end up being sad and probably about myself too.

Again, understanding that I'm the cause of all my problems makes me better.
------------------------------------

Better off alone, but unable to be alone. I hate this.

Sora Kara Furu Ichioku no Hoshi OST - Godsent

I falter again

Damn. I'm not going to lie.

There's a burning sense of jealousy in me now. I knew whatever I said about numbing myself wouldn't hold true for long. Clearly, the problem's always with me, but I don't know what exactly.

Am I too weird? Too annoying? Appear as though I don't give a damn? Too stubborn? Fail at communicating? Too complicated? Too emotional? Too straightforward? Too critical? Cynical? Indecisive? Slow? Impatient? Don't give others a sense of security? Don't trust in others? Fail at showing my concern? Self-absorbed? Always in my own world? Give others an uncomfortable feeling?

Sometimes I think I can list out my flaws too well. At other times, I feel as though I don't know myself enough to improve on myself. The aforementioned ones are the 'flaws' I know I have, but I always thought there might be someone on earth that would accept me for all those. Fat hope, there isn't a chance till I improve myself in a way or another.

----------------------------------------------------------

I know I'm not in the worst position, and there are plenty of people who have more rights to hate life. But I still hate it. I should slap myself for not being easily satisfied... but am I really asking for too much?

Honestly, am I? I really do feel so much more alone compared to everybody else, even though I may be able to joke around and talk to strangers so easily. I may appear to have loads of people to wave to in school or have small talks with. If you think I can be satisfied with those, I'll honestly tell you I never did.

Yes, I'm glad, really glad, to have the few who can tolerate me even if there's very few. I thank them for being able to tolerate me, laugh with me (and at me), for the joy and support.

But thinking about the ones I've lost (which amounts to more than the ones I have) makes me wonder. Alot.

Things never do sustain between me and people. I don't know who on earth really cares for me and they probably don't know who I care about either. I'm sorry I haven't done my part.

I'm kind of very jealous of people who have loads of friends waiting to celebrate their birthdays with them. Have I made it blatantly obvious that I do feel so insignificant when I didn't have a form of celebration at all? No, I didn't because I repeated to myself (and others) over and over again that I shouldn't expect anything at all. (Two friends DID surprise me at night, at my place, which pleasantly surprised me when I expected nothing at all). That day, I realised many others didn't actually treat me as a close friend, or a good friend to say the least.

I'm jealous of people who drift away from their friends but get back with them anyway. I've lost all my friends I've drifted away from. And they probably know nuts about what I'm thinking, think I don't give a damn and therefore do not bother either.

I'm jealous of people who make people feel comfortable around them. I'm jealous of people who have someone to love them for who they are. I'm jealous.. of so much. What the hell happened to my nil expectations? All this is killing me, killing me...

-----------------------------------------------------

I saw some photos. I don't get it. I wasn't the only one who had "things" going on with them, and I wasn't the only one she was angry with once. But I am the only one who has been excluded from every trip and activity since everything, and the only one who's unable to talk to them properly up till now. I don't know how much those smiles we exchange actually mean to them, probably nothing much to me.

I honestly don't care much about being back there again, but it disturbs me to know I never ever get close to anyone after I drift away from them.

A heart that has been touched can never live alone again.

I don't want to remind myself how I'm fine only because I've numbed myself. If it's possible to keep at this, I'll have nil expectations and never be hurt or lonely again. I thought about my future that day and imagined myself doing part time or free lance jobs to support my interests, to continue learning about things I love. I imagined how I'll probably be alone but I'll make myself accept things, and yes numb myself so everything will be fine.

It's been a few days and I'm already starting to miss those emotions. Actually, the above sounds impossible. I don't know what else I should do. I wonder how a completely cold heart would feel like?

Rewatched the last episode of sora kara furu ichioku no hoshi (A million stars falling from the sky) I can feel ryo's pain every single time :( This is undeniably my favourite (and darkest) drama with kimura takuya playing a twisted and lonely individual. It's impossible to have a synopsis since there are a million twists in the story.. and why am I writing about it again and again and again? (since sec 4)

(Don't worry I'm not going to watch anymore)


My friend asked why I always ask them questions about myself.

Just caught half of camp rock 2 since I was in front of the TV. I think the best part of the show was when they lost the competition, because I hate stupid, contrived happy endings. (step up 3 is one of those. That aside I still loved the dance.)

Well, being a kid's show, it obviously tells it's audiences enjoying the process is all that matters. At least that makes more sense than normal ones where people go "YEAH WE CAN DO IT" with just 2 days left to the competition and still win anyway. I really appreciate disney for showing kids that miracles don't always happen.

Wait, they still had to put in that happy ending, where everybody from the enemy camp wanted to join camp rock in the end. Alittle overdone (once again, contrived), especially with the "omggg I want to join camp rock next year!!" shit. I guess kids need to know the world's a nice place, just let them be happy while they can.

Anyway, I'm not a kid so I hate still hate stupid contrived happy endings because miracles don't bloody happen. My favourite ending will always be the one in Sora Kara Furu Ichioku no Hoshi.
God some people have no idea what being depressed means.

Best way to feel less alone? Keep yourself alone.

Don't even look at the lives of other people. If you're living fine, don't even try looking at others' "eventful" lives (even if it's simply studying with another mate) Basically, drown yourself in your own activities and forget about communicating with others.

Shut yourself out until you can't take it anymore. That's when you're truly feeling alone and empty. At least you've fully exploited the enjoyment you can have out of being alone. Once you're done ...

... that's when I need an answer. Block out all expectations.

----------------------------------------------------

Compare, if you can accept reality and not be jealous.

Fill up your empty life to make it seem less empty, if lying to yourself can beat that empty feeling. It'll never work.

Reach out to the rest in enthusiasm, if having forced or no response sounds fine. Just wait for the rest to reach out.

Try waiting, if you can bear with the pain of discovering there might be nobody. Numb yourself, surprises will mean more.

Be optimistic, as long as you do not understand disappointment. The world will teach you countless lessons about that.

Expect, if you're prepared to get yourself killed.

Trust, in others and yourself, if you have too much love to lose.

Hold hope in all these, only if you're certain you're lucky enough.


Accept reality. That's all we need to know.


Optimism and trying to be happy won't work. Many have told me everything points to forced optimism, everything surface level, AND we're supposed to live with that. Accept damned reality.

It's perfectly fine to operate from abundance, everybody has those times. (I sent out the ILYs without anything else in mind). Just accept the fact that happiness comes once in a blue moon and enjoy those short moments as much as possible. It's impossible to love this screwed up mess of a world all the time. So don't mourn when it's gone. A moment of pure joy beats trying too hard for a lifetime of it.

Perhaps joy is like water. Cup it gently and it'll stay, flowing away eventually but effortless while it's there. Squeeze your hands too tightly and it'll all be gone, gone the moment it comes to you.

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The reason why I can sort of get over things eventually even though the cycle keeps repeating and hurt is always involved?

I never had somebody to start with. Never had somebody important enough, never important enough to anybody, never had someone with me since the start, and probably nobody to be with me till the very end.

Who's to blame? Me, probably. Knowing that feels better. Knowing I'm like that without having any hopes for the future, without any expectations. That feels better. Ultimately, just preparing myself for the hurt I'll probably experience. If it's actually possible.

The best way to feel less alone? Keep yourself alone.

Don't even look at the lives of other people. If you're fine, don't even try looking at others' "eventful" lives (even if it's simply studying with another mate) Basically, drown yourself in your own activities and forget about communicating with others. Force yourself to like your current situation. Shut yourself out until you can't take it anymore. That's when you're truly feeling alone and empty. At least you've fully exploited the enjoyment you can have out of being alone.

Or try hard to wait for someone/people and realise there's actually nobody out there all the time. Both methods tried and tested. Since the outcome is still the same, the disgustingly optimistic approach makes more sense. Just a warning, you might feel lost halfway through the first one.

In other words, have no expectations. ZILCH. Only for people like me. If you're

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Don't be desperate to fill your empty life with things to make it seem less empty. Keep lying to yourself, keep trying to fight the emptiness and fall even harder in the future.

I hate reaching out to others for fear that they wouldn't respond, or responding for the sake of it. It normally happens. You know what makes me feel better about everybody leaving in the end? The fact that it's just something about me and I'll have to accept it. Somehow it works.

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Nobody really bothers to ask anymore. Always the backup plan. Good thing there's art to complete at home so I wouldn't be able to go out anyway. Don't know if I should be glad it's ending soon. Less excuses to be busy with art, more reasons to find out I'm actually just the backup. Yay.

Because I look around myself and see others pretending to be happy when they're really not, and I know I can't be like that. My heart would hurt so much. I wish they wouldn't have to bear with the pain of pretending to be happy either, I really wish they wouldn't.

I'll search for true happiness till the day I die (too bad if I don't live long enough to find it) than to live thinking I've found it, but in fact haven't. What's so bad about that, you ask? As long as we're happy, does anything else matter? Does it matter whether it's genuine happiness or not? The answer is, I don't know. All I know is that I won't want to live a lie. Even if it's a great one.

My mood isn't down yet, this isn't even close to excessive thinking. But not knowing why you're happy isn't a nice feeling. It won't last.

EXCEPTIONALLY HAPPY AND HIGH AGAIN. EUPHORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M TYPING IN CAPS. Been feeling this way since yesterdayyyyy. Come to think of it, I must've been REALLLYYYY weird with all the thoughts out loud, weird actions, hyperactivity and CAPS and things like theseeeeeeeeee.

I FEEL LIKE SHOUTING TO THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT I'M HAPPPPYYYYY AND I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER KNOW THE REASON. PLASTER THE WORD HAPPY ON WALLS AND HUG EVERYONE AROUND ME. And I better treasure this cause I KNOW I'll be depressed and think too much again after awhile.

AHHH I shouldn't be reading about mood disorders. Just that.. it feels too strange. Knowing this wouldn't last, too. But I like it.

fucking mood spoiler

$#&*%!@ sometimes I don't now what goes through our parent's heads.

Feeling Genuinely Happy Today :D
(for no rhyme or reason)

The last time that feeling came to me was 25th July (check the posts).. 1 month 8 days ago. A pretty long period and I must say this period hasn't been nice at all, one of the hardest I've ever fell. Nothing's been solved but since I'm smiling (even without a reason), heck the rest, I'll bask in this feeling of euphoria while I can.

Or maybe it's my discovery of using logical reasoning to numb my emotions (IF it's possible, which isn't the case most of the time), the fact that I had a nice talk and.. I'm just happy like that.


That is not to say this happiness will last long. I'm still like the cup with a hole, draining happiness away once everything is over. As the night is setting in, part of the joy and euphoria is creeping out too. This intangible feeling makes me feel like I'm floating in the sky, about to fall back down to earth any minute. I can see it coming. I'll be defeated by loneliness and other thoughts sooner or later. "We're born alone, we die alone".

I know very well it won't last long. Just to celebrate it's arrival before it departs far too quickly for anybody to witness, I sent "I love you" messages to a few through sms. Glad to know I actually made someone's day, and probably a smile on others' faces. Just thought they should know before I get, you know, sad again. My happiness never last long.

Been sms-ing throughout the entire bus journey, something I wouldn't do. I'm one of the most irritating people to text given my snail-pace replies but I'm glad today's an exception. For the first time in ages, I was actually excited to reply people. Sadly, I'm sure I'll still be prone to giving late replies in the future since texting too much takes away too much alone time. I would appreciate texts very much if nobody minds my slow replies :)

Talked to Linette's mom over the phone today, about everything random and in cantonese too, strangers are nice people :)



.. oh no, it's dying down already. This post doesn't do ANY justice to the joy, bliss, elation, glee I was experiencing just now. A very good way to tell is to measure my degree of "weird-ness". A happy me usually leads to a "high" me and then a TOTALLY WEIRD me. (eg. speaking my mind FAR too often) Ask my friends, they can testify.

Anyhow, these 'episodes' of joy and depression make me feel like I'm bipolar. Grrrr, honestly don't get my emotions.

Everybody should just talk to me when I'm happy and smiley.

Cause this is the first time I'm answering to messages like "hey!" or anything random excitedly.

SMILEYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Everyone should just talk to me when i'm Happy!

Mood's amazingly high for the whole of today, maybe it's because of the awesomely random talk (more like laughing session) with Syai and Sarah at that little CORNER of the artroom (before we got found out by miss kwa). I wouldn't mind camping there at all! Actually the only reason why we moved there was because linette was sleeping at the other corner haha!

Miss Kwa's all smiley today too :D I talked to Linette's mom over the phone for quite long about everything random and we even conversed in CANTONESE, leaving linette all blur :D

I texted people throughout the bus ride today and I can't believe I have exclamation marks behind my replies! Can't believe I texted cause I'm normally an IRRITATING person to text (extremely slow replies) But I can understand why I reply really slowly. There isn't a single moment of alone time when you text :( Communicating with technology is pretty tiring...

Just naturally happy for the first time in WEEKS! or MONTHS. Like really really HIGH and happy. & when I'm like that, I tend to be REALLLLYYY WEIRD. I'm REALLYYYY WEIRD RIGHT NOW.

So I bounced onto my seat on the bus and a couple stared at me with that "omg...look at that stupid girl" face.


There's only one thing to reflect about for today: I suck at communicating with people because I keep saying things they can't reply to. & I keep speaking my thoughts, that's really weird :/

Music and Lyrics

Songs are so special when it's a perfect amalgamation of the music and lyrics that describes what you're feeling at that very moment. I'm writing this down today and not merely agreeing to it, it's coming to me as a much stronger feeling.

To me, these songs are the ones that come to your head even when you're not listening to any music at all. And when you get home and finally do, it's as though the world is just passing by and the other sounds in it just don't mean anything at all.

Whenever I hear a good song, the ONE song for me at that moment, it feels as though my soul is opened up to it. I can never find the right words to describe my feelings, but in a more visual form, it feels as though my heart is bare and the song is just hitting on it. Every single note, beat, word.

As I scroll through the lyrics and find out others' interpretation of the lyrics, I'm normally amazed by how people read the same thing so differently, but I find my favourite interpretation anyway. On even more special days, the interpretations are truly mine.

There's always this feeling that cannot be expressed. A mixture of sadness, loneliness, emptiness, or something I don't even know.

My friend gave me a quote today, and it goes like this (hope you don't mind me sharing with anybody who reads this): "I mean, we're born alone, we die alone. And while we're here we are absolutely, completely sealed in our own bodies. Really weird. Kinda freaks me out to think about it. We can only experience the outside world through our own slanted perception of it. Who knows what you're really like. I just see what I think you're like"


The above quote summed everything up perfectly. Especially the last 3 sentences, thank you so much. As I read it on the way back home, I wish I knew more about you, not just knowing how you understand so much about me. So so much. Or perhaps that is already enough.

People do feel alone even when they're not physically alone. Thus the lyrics, "have you ever been alone in a crowded room?".

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Went out with the girls for lunch and a mini kaiying birthday celebration. I assume it's the examination mood that's setting in for everyone, or maybe the tiredness. Nonetheless, nice to know that we're meeting up after so long! Alicia being an embarrassment, Ashley as her usual self, Anna with her occasional retarded moments, Kaiying talking and laughing along, and me.. as the weird one I suppose.

Happy 18th birthday kaiying! Birthday notes are meant to be confidential so you'll see the rest on your card! :D

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Watching the first part of Lily chou-chou now. I used to skip the front where they showed the words philia (main character) typed on a black screen. This time they're the ones that captured my attention the most. I feel like making a film like that, just to see who'd read them. Perhaps only those who really feel the same.

Lily chou-chou music is totally great too. Abnormal the first time you hear them but it grows onto you after awhile. Ethereal music.

Greentea Iceblended with whipped cream

It was a great talk yesterday. Long one, but there was so much more to share. "That's why it should be treasured even more", eh?

I love how you're always able to find those EXACT words (which explains my "yahhhhh!" moments). It's lovely how we're so different yet similar on many levels and most of all, how we understand and accept each others' views without judging each other. Maybe it's good for people to be similar because there wouldn't be any judging involved, and your differences present the different perspectives, to view things in another light.

--

So someone noticed that I refuse to conform now that I have my own ideals. It's not even "being somebody I'm not", I can't stand not showing parts of myself just because the world doesn't wish to see it, or can't accept it. I don't want to lose everything I am just to be what the world wants to see, just "another person".

I've come to a realisation that the ONLY way is to be the one who can sift out what to say and what not to, depending on who you're talking to and how much they can stand others' perception of things. That, or be alone for the rest of your life. There's nothing I can do, besides to choose between the two.

--

"lonely people like to know that they're not the only lonely ones in the world". I guess it helps even more to personally know that one person, not just trying to believe in the fact that there's somebody else like you at some corner of the earth. Keeps you going when you're emotionally/physically alone. Right? :)

It didn't feel like an Edward Hopper painting yesterday because we weren't feeling alone, but there must be someone amongst the filled cafe tables who felt that way. That man facing the window on that high chair, I suppose?

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Loads of people passing by Dhoby Ghaut Starbucks yesterday, including Jeremy then Anusha, the ones who called me out for really short chats. And there was Xuanee who came down to look for me after her movie at Cathay :) Can't believe we bumped into each other at the exact same location where we last met up! People-watching can be such fun.

It wasn't completely honest to say I didn't care at all

I thought about it again, it isn't jealousy that's creeping in. Because nothing has been taken away from me. You can only be jealous when someone else has taken the role you want to play. And I know that isn't the role I want to play. It's possibility/impossibility DOES NOT matter. Logic makes so much more sense than emotions at times.

Just that, I can't help but doubt if that was to merely fill those empty voids and gaps. I feel like an empty cup with a hole at the bottom. When everything is over, we're all empty again. I can't help but feel like this happiness isn't going to last long, and everyone is going to be empty in the end. Maybe it's only because I haven't really been "filled" in the first place.

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Saturday was spent doing VCW with nad in the afternoon and SOT with Haojing Youjin Kwokmeang Sylvester Gordon, STEP UP 3 with them plus another of their mate M and a dinner after that till we got chased out of Manhattan Fish Market at 11.

They're the people who wouldn't hang out with me after school (more than sure) and wouldn't even contact me after JC but the past 8 months of SOT lectures and dinners after that weren't bad at all. I did enjoy myself with a group of people I didn't know well at all and amazingly, quite like myself. The bubbly side of myself at least.

You could say it's abit like filling myself up at that moment and the water drains away much faster than nice talks I have. Somehow I just manage to still find the joy in that because of having no expectations and worries about contacting them in the future.